The most frightening recurrent dream I have isn’t always the same dream, but rather, the same result at some point in the dream-state: I’m suddenly quite aware of my body—my real, physical body, I think—but I have the terrifying experience of feeling completely not integrated within it, and therefore, I cannot move or control it. Perhaps this is what paralysis feels like. It’s a sense of total dissociation, including my neck and head. I’m just not a part of my body, and yet I know it’s mine and that I’m supposed to be able to operate it.
On most of these occasions in the past, I’ve completely panicked in dream state, trying to scream or shout or just make some sort of noise, knowing (somehow) that this will cause the terrifying out-of-body feeling to cease, because I’ll wake myself up. However, this morning, for some reason, I completely managed to quell the rising panic. Instead, a calm inner voice took over, commanding with assurance that I just needed to move my arm, and everything would be okay. After what seemed like quite a struggle (who knows how long this really takes in dream-time), I moved the arm, and, just like that, I was back in my body wholly, though I didn’t really even wake up. I actually didn’t even remember this until I was reading this morning, and read about a patient in the book falling asleep in a way that put her arm to sleep—and just like that, as so often happens with forgotten dreams, my intense early-morning experience came flooding back.
This came after a sound night of sleep, probably a result of yesterday’s thorough and much-needed replenishment of my energy stores. After a morning workout (decent, had some progress), I headed to the State Bath House for a soak in the hot healing mineral waters. I can never make myself stay in longer than the recommended 20 minutes, so I was soon out of there and on my way to pick up my quarter of a grass-fed cow. I met the rancher (interesting how you can tell who the person is who’s waiting for you even when you’ve never met them and have no idea what they look like…I pulled up, looked over, and thought, “Yup, that’s him.”).
With the beef loaded up, I drove back over to Worland and went grocery shopping—something that I actually always really enjoy. I even succumbed to the pricey lure of the delectable-looking fresh sea scallops. Where they came up with those on a Sunday in the middle of Wyoming, I don’t know, but wow—they were amazing sautéed in butter and olive oil with a little garlic and parsley and dill. I think my physical body will be much happier now, with my food variety restored. I know that whatever part of my mental being relies on food is already happier.


